Top 10 Best Jokes
Today's Top 10 Best Jokes according to the votes of our surfers.
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A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of ELVIS on the inside of my right thigh."
The artist says "No Problem, get undressed and lay on the table." When he is done, he says "So, what do you think?"
She replies," That doesn't look like ELVIS at all! I want you to do it over on the inside of my left thigh" The artist agrees and when finished, asks for her to appraise his work. "DAMMIT,..not only does that not look like ELVIS, it looks just like the tattoo on my other thigh!"
Calmly the artist asks her if she would like a second opinion and he walks outside and grabs the first person he sees...a drunk. He brings him back inside, shoves his face between her legs and says, "I want you to look at these two tattoos and tell me who it is?" The drunk looks at one tattoo, then the other, and exclaims, "Well...I don't know about the twins, but that's WILLIE NELSON in the middle!"
Current Rating: 4.07
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, 'Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!'
His father responded: 'You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!'
Current Rating: 4
Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm pregnant again. I need a hearing aid."
Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive."
Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a hearing aid."
Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?"
Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night, when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'"
Current Rating: 4
Little Johnny's dad had to go out of town on a business trip. So he squats down to have a serious talk with Johnny. "Johnny, I have to go out of town for a few days. So you have to be the man of the house and take care of everything for me. Can you do that?"
Johnny stands up straighter and replies proudly, "I will Dad!"
When his Dad came home he asked Johnny how everything was.
Johnny said, "Everything's fine now, but we almost lost Mom"
Alarmed, Dad asked, "What do you mean?!"
Johnny said, "Well, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and when I passed your room I heard something and stopped and looked into the room. Mom was yelling, 'Oh God, I'm coming', and if Uncle Bob wasn't holding her down she would have gone!"
Current Rating: 3.95
"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
Current Rating: 3.93
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
Current Rating: 3.92
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
As the bus pulled away the man raced alongside it until the next stop. When the doors opened again he gasped, "How much is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."
Current Rating: 3.92
The scene is the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve have just finished making love.
God looks down, sees Adam, and asks "Where's Eve?"
Adam replies, "She's down at the creek, washing up."
God smacks himself in the forehead, and exclaims "Great, now how am I ever going to get the smell off those poor fish!!!!"
Current Rating: 3.92
CNN journalist heard about an old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to pray twice a day for many years. She waits for him to interview him as he was leaving.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Fishbein," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
Thinking what a sensational human interest story this will make, the journalist asks one more question.
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
The old man shrugs. "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
Current Rating: 3.91
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
Current Rating: 3.87