Top 10 Best Jokes
Today's Top 10 Best Jokes according to the votes of our surfers.
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"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
Current Rating: 4.22
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Current Rating: 3.81
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, 'Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!'
His father responded: 'You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!'
Current Rating: 3.81
It was the 1st day of of 1st grade for Little Johny and he was really excited. In class his teacher said: "Now that we're all grown-up we aren't going to use little baby talk anymore. Instead we're going to use "Grown-up" words! Now who would like to start by telling about their summer?"
A girl named Suzie was waving her hand so the teacher called on her. She said: "This summer I rode a choo-choo! "
The teacher said "No.. we don't say choo-choo, say "train" Remember to use Grown-Up Words.? Now who's next?"
Little Johny was called on and he replyed "This summer I went to Disneyland and saw Winnie the Shit!"
Current Rating: 3.79
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."
The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.
Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."
Current Rating: 3.78
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over", he said.
Current Rating: 3.78
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty
A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Current Rating: 3.77
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.
One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.
When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"
Johnny said "Yes"
"Well, what did the principal say?"
"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."
Current Rating: 3.76
Little Johnny's dad had to go out of town on a business trip. So he squats down to have a serious talk with Johnny. "Johnny, I have to go out of town for a few days. So you have to be the man of the house and take care of everything for me. Can you do that?"
Johnny stands up straighter and replies proudly, "I will Dad!"
When his Dad came home he asked Johnny how everything was.
Johnny said, "Everything's fine now, but we almost lost Mom"
Alarmed, Dad asked, "What do you mean?!"
Johnny said, "Well, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and when I passed your room I heard something and stopped and looked into the room. Mom was yelling, 'Oh God, I'm coming', and if Uncle Bob wasn't holding her down she would have gone!"
Current Rating: 3.74
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of ELVIS on the inside of my right thigh."
The artist says "No Problem, get undressed and lay on the table." When he is done, he says "So, what do you think?"
She replies," That doesn't look like ELVIS at all! I want you to do it over on the inside of my left thigh" The artist agrees and when finished, asks for her to appraise his work. "DAMMIT,..not only does that not look like ELVIS, it looks just like the tattoo on my other thigh!"
Calmly the artist asks her if she would like a second opinion and he walks outside and grabs the first person he sees...a drunk. He brings him back inside, shoves his face between her legs and says, "I want you to look at these two tattoos and tell me who it is?" The drunk looks at one tattoo, then the other, and exclaims, "Well...I don't know about the twins, but that's WILLIE NELSON in the middle!"
Current Rating: 3.74