Top 5 Best Man Jokes

Current Rating: 3.53

Top 10 things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

1. Finally find that damned G spot!

Current Rating: 3.5

A perfect lover is a guy with a nine inch tongue who can breathe through his ears.

Current Rating: 3.5

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Current Rating: 3.42

What men say, and what they mean....

1. "I'm going fishing"
- Means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"

2. "It's a guy thing"
- Means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

3. "Can I help with dinner?"
- Means... "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

4. 'Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear"
- Means... Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

5. "It would take too long to explain"
- Means... "I have no idea how it works".

6. "We're going to be late"
- Means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".

7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
- Means... "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".

8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard"
- Means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".

9. "That's interesting dear"
- Means... "Are you still talking?"

10. "It's a really good movie"
- Means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".

11. "That's women's work"
- Means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".

12. "You know how bad my memory is"
- Means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday".

13. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses"
- Means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".

14. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal"
- Means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".

16. "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing"
- Means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".

17. "I can't find it"
- Means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".

18. "What did I do this time?"
- Means... "What did you catch me at?"

19. "I heard you"
- Means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

20. "You know I could never love anyone else"
- Means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".

21. "You look terrific"
- Means... "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"

22. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are"
- Means... "No one will ever see us alive again".

23. "We share the housework"
- Means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up".

Current Rating: 3.38

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."