Top 5 Best Golf Jokes

Current Rating: 3.48

A man tees off on the first green and hits the perfect shot -- a hole in one. He runs to the green to retrieve his ball and when he does out comes a genie. "I am the genie of the first green. For getting a hole in one I shall grant you one wish."

Without giving it a second chance the guy wishes for a big dick. The genie says wish granted then disappears. Well, the guy looks down into his pants only to find no change. "Oh well, I came to golf so I'll finish the round." As he completes each hole he begins to notice a change -- his dick IS getting bigger. In fact, by the time he finishes the 18th hole he has to tuck it in his sock. "Look at me. I'm a freak. I can't stay like this. I've got to do something about this." So he goes back to the first green and again hits a hole in one.

This time when the genie arrives the guy says, "I wish for longer legs."

Current Rating: 3.33

Golfing Realities...

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

Current Rating: 3.3

One day a Bob is going golfing and a stranger comes up to him and asks if he can play with him.

The man says ok and they start playing. After about three holes Bob asks the stranger what he does for a living.

"I’m a hit man," the man replies.

The man laughs and says, "That’s funny, what do you really do?"

The man says, "I’m really a hit man, look in my golf bag."

The man goes and looks in the golf bag and in it there is a sniper rifle with a scope on it.

"Hey do you mind if I use this scope to see my house?"

The hit man tells him not at all, so the guy uses the scope and zooms in his bedroom window. He sees his wife naked. Then his neighbor comes up, and he is naked too.

The man gets really mad and says, "How much does it cost to do a hit?"

The hit man says a thousand dollars a shot.

"Then I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis because he is sticking it in my wife and shoot my wife in the mouth because she is always yapping."

The hit man takes the sniper rifle and sits there aiming for about fifteen minutes.

The man says, "Hey man, hurry up!"

"Hold on a second," the sniper says, "I’m trying to save you a thousand bucks."

Current Rating: 3.23

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply’s "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Current Rating: 3.23

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I’ll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn’t do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"