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Top 5 Best Clean Jokes

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The morticians assistant was watching attentively as his mentor finished the last details on their most recent client.

He noticed the mortician paying extra attention to the shoes.

"Is that a new technique?", the assistant asked.

"No", replied the experienced mortician. "It's just something I've done for years."

Confused, the assistant asked "Is it an old tradition for good luck?"

The mortician looked up and replied, "Sort of. I tie the shoe laces together in case there is a zombie apocalypse. It will be hysterical!"

Current Joke Rating: 4

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Interesting tidbits... Did you know?

-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

-It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

-It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

-A snail can sleep for three years.

-No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

-Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-All polar bears are left-handed.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

-"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

-Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you...

Current Joke Rating: 4

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After a Democratic Party retreat to an exclusive Adirondack Fishing Lodge, Senators Harry Reid (D-NV) and Chuck Schumer (D-NY) have used their experience at the lodge to outline a plan to tighten the U.S.'s border with Mexico while at the same time granting amnesty to 12 million illegal aliens already in this country, a so-called Border Security First Plan.

Or as the Republicans are calling it: A Catch and Release Plan.

Current Joke Rating: 3.9

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Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"

"Sixty cents," said the driver.

As the bus pulled away the man raced alongside it until the next stop. When the doors opened again he gasped, "How much is the fare now?"

"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."

Current Joke Rating: 3.89

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Pointed Observations...

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Current Joke Rating: 3.89

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