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Top 5 Best Adult Humor Jokes

Top 5 Best Adult Humor Jokes according to the votes of our surfers.
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A guy walks into a bar and buys a round for the house. The bartender asks him what he's celebrating.

"I just sold my dog for $1000," the man brags. The crowd drinks a toast to his dog.

"I saw you walking that mutt once. Why would anyone give you a $1000 for a dog like that?" the bartender asks.

"He could play poker," the guy explained.

The bartender is astounded. "You sold a poker playing dog for only a $1000?"

The guy shrugs. "He weren't that good. Stupid dog, every time he got a good hand he'd wag his tail."

Current Joke Rating: 3.75

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The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

Current Joke Rating: 3.72

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Current Joke Rating: 3.7

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Differences Between Good Girls and Redheads

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Redheads make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls wax their floors.
Redheads wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Redheads know they could do it better.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Redheads don't wear any.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Redheads think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Redheads only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Redheads pack their diaphragms.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Redheads wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Redheads think no place is the wrong place.

Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Redheads do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say 'no'.
Redheads say 'when?'

Good girls say "Thanks for a wonderful dinner."
Redheads say, "What's for breakfast?"

Good girls keep a diary.
Redheads don't have time.

Good girls love Italian food.
Redheads love Italian waiters.

Good girls will apologize, brown nose and kiss YOUR ass.
Redheads will tell ya to kiss my lily, white ass.

Current Joke Rating: 3.69

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Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him.

Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Current Joke Rating: 3.69

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