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Top 5 Best Adult Humor Jokes

Top 5 Best Adult Humor Jokes according to the votes of our surfers.
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A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of ELVIS on the inside of my right thigh."

The artist says "No Problem, get undressed and lay on the table." When he is done, he says "So, what do you think?"

She replies," That doesn't look like ELVIS at all! I want you to do it over on the inside of my left thigh" The artist agrees and when finished, asks for her to appraise his work. "DAMMIT,..not only does that not look like ELVIS, it looks just like the tattoo on my other thigh!"

Calmly the artist asks her if she would like a second opinion and he walks outside and grabs the first person he sees...a drunk. He brings him back inside, shoves his face between her legs and says, "I want you to look at these two tattoos and tell me who it is?" The drunk looks at one tattoo, then the other, and exclaims, "Well...I don't know about the twins, but that's WILLIE NELSON in the middle!"

Current Joke Rating: 4.71

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Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm pregnant again. I need a hearing aid."

Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive."

Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a hearing aid."

Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?"

Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night, when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'"

Current Joke Rating: 4.5

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Paddy and Alexi are arguing over who has the greater cultural contribution, the Irish or the Greeks.

Alexi gets in the first shot. "Well, we built the Parthenon."

Paddy replies, "Sure now, and we discovered the Summer and Winter Solstice."

Alexi retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

Paddy nods in agreement, saying, "Aye, but we built the first timepieces and calendars."

Finally, Alexi smiles and says triumphantly, "We invented sex!"

To which Paddy replies, "Tis true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."

Current Joke Rating: 4.5

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Entry in young woman's diary :

Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part!

Current Joke Rating: 4.23

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This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer."

The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."

The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey, ppplease."

The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00, please."

The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."

The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."

The guy shrugs. "Eeeeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."

Current Joke Rating: 4.22

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