Newest Jokes
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Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012 Q: What do gays do on a second date??
A: What second date??
Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012 Submitted by: Dave Munter You may be a redneck if...
Your idea of an "Automatic Windshield Washer" is to tie Junior to the hood of your truck with a bottle of Windex and a clean T-shirt.
Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012 PHILANTHROPIST, n: One who gives away what he should give back.
---Unknown.
Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012 Submitted by: SashafromRussia An ACORN employee in Philadelphia goes to jail for Voter fraud. They put him in a cell with a three hundred pound guy thick as a tree trunk with a shaved head and prison tattoos. Having heard what happens to new guys in prison and being nervous, he figures he had better introduce himself. He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, "Hi my name is Jack Hawkins."
The big guy extends his hand and says by way of introduction, "Turner Brown." Little Jack Hawkins passes out. The big guy puts him on a bunk and waits for him to come to.
"Why did you pass out?" the huge convict asked.
Hawkins replies, "What did you say your name was?"
"Turner Brown," he replies.
"Oh God," little Jack said. "I thought you said 'TURN AROUND'."
Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012 Submitted by: SashafromRussia The California Highway Patrol Officer pulls over to the shoulder behind the blonde driver in obvious distress. What isn't obvious is why her two blonde passengers are lifting their tops and baring their breasts to passing motorists who respond by slowing down, honking their horns and yelling encouragement out the windows, creating a traffic nightmare on one of Los Angeles's busiest freeways.
"What the hell is going on here?" the officer demands.
"Well, duh, I've got a flat tire," the blonde responds.
Sputtering, the officer gestures at her passengers. "No, no...I mean what are they doing?"
"Well, duh." the blonde driver explains like its the most obvious thing in the world. "They are my emergency flashers."
Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012 Q: How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012 Q: What do you call a gay farmer?
A: A jolly rancher
Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012 Submitted by: Your Mom You might be a redneck...
If your bass boat cost more than your house
Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012 Q. What do mountain climbing and receiving a blowjob from Whoopi Goldberg have in common?
A. For God's sake, don't ever look down!
Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012 As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.
In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"
In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"
In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"
Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"
Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, 'There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.'
'No problem,' chimed the Rabbi. 'My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.' With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. 'What's wrong?' asked the farmer. He replied, 'I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.'
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. 'What's wrong?' the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, 'I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!'
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 Q: What does a bisexual bring on a second date?
A: A friend
Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 Submitted by: SashafromRussia After a very long time, Paddy found himself going to confession. Once in the confessional he noticed one wall was a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
As Father O'Reilly came in Paddy said, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but first I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days.
Father O'Reilly replied, "Get out. You're in my seat."
Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 Submitted by: SashafromRussia One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "The 8:30 or the 10 AM service?"
Added on Tuesday, January 31st, 2012 He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you have succeeded.
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
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