Newest Jokes

Added on Monday, April 19th, 2010

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife,too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


Most old guys are helpful like that.

Added on Thursday, January 28th, 2010

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred..'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Added on Monday, November 23rd, 2009

Added on Friday, November 20th, 2009

All over the world lesbians fight for getting the same rights as hetero people.

In Indonesia, two of them couldn't get the allowance to marry. The officials said, "Two sarongs don't make a rite!"

Added on Friday, November 20th, 2009

Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Added on Friday, November 20th, 2009

This guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date.

He just won't take no for an answer.

The lesbian smirks and says.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

Added on Friday, November 20th, 2009

"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," said one man to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

Added on Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOK STORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

21. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

22. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

23. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD LISP TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

26. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED HAEMORRHOIDS INSTEAD OF ASSTEROIDS?

27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

Added on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Added on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U. Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.

"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

Added on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Top Ten Things Heterosexuals Need to Know About Gay People

10. We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us.

9. We're not sure about Ricky Martin either.

8. We also didn't invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it.

7. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us.

6. Our so-called "gaydar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception.

5. We think your mini-vans are sooo cute!

4. David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice.

3. If he's using two or more hair products at any one time -- yes, he is.

2. If she's won Wimbledon sixteen times, she is too.

And, the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...

1. Relax, we don't want you!

Added on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Q: How do you get a tissue to dance?

A: You blow a little boogie into it.

Added on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at night with your church group, it's called "caroling."

But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly."

Added on Monday, June 22nd, 2009

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

Added on Monday, June 22nd, 2009

"Earlier today in Los Angeles, armed robbers held up a medical marijuana clinic. Police can't identify the robbers because all the eyewitnesses say they have glaucoma."

-Conan O'Brien