Newest Jokes

Added on Monday, May 5th, 2008

An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Added on Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?

Added on Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Added on Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license test?

A: She wasn't used to the front seat!

Added on Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Added on Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

Added on Thursday, April 17th, 2008

A woman talks to a psychiatrist and says, "You've got to help me doctor, my husband thinks he's a race horse! He neighs, sleeps on straw, and even eats grain!"

"No problem," says the doctor. "I can heal him, but it's gonna be costly!"

"Oh, money isn't an issue," says the disgruntled wife. "He's already won two races!"

Added on Thursday, April 17th, 2008

"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

"What did you steal?" the judge asked.

"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

Added on Thursday, April 17th, 2008

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after matting?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Added on Thursday, April 17th, 2008

Situational Awareness Scenario

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a drop-off and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(Answer below)




Answer:
Get off the children's merry-go-round, you're drunk.

Added on Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY



Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

Added on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Q: What has 4 wheels and flys?

A: A garbage truck.

Added on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

Added on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

"What happened to you? asks Sean the bartender.

"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it"

"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Added on Monday, March 17th, 2008

There was this guy who was half Irish, half Scottish.

He wanted a drink in the worst way, but he couldn't bring himself to buy one!