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Advice to Northerners Moving South...

1.) Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

2.) If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3.) Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4.) If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them-Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5.) Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6.) Whatever you do, make sure that you don't buy food at the movie store!

7.) You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

8.) Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9.) In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have Mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

10.) Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11.) In an effort to match their speech pattern, Southerners also walk slower.

12.) Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13.) The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Most Northerners begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression.

14.) The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15.) As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember all southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

16.) If attending a funeral in the South, remember we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on, the tent is torn down and the empties are picked up.

17.) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words either that he will ever say or, worse still, that you will ever hear!

18.) Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19.) If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

20.) The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.

21.) If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

22.) Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your house. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

23.) In the South, tornadoes and divorces have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24.) Florida is not considered a southern state since there are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

25.) Be advised that in the South: "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.


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