New Women Jokes

Added on May 19th

Four women were chatting in the locker room of their health club, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

Added on December 6th

"I would like to see a woman dentist," said the first man.

"Why?" asked his friend.

"Because it would be a pleasure to have a woman say, 'open your mouth' instead of 'shut up.'"

Added on November 29th

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I wouldn't want to own one.
---W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Added on November 2nd

Top 10 things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal about sports, cars and money.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9.

Added on August 19th

"Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands."
--Ambrose Bierce

Added on March 15th

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.

The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"

"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."

"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.

"That's true; but you have all the equipment."

THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

Added on March 13th

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
--Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
--Lenny Bruce

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
--Mel Gibson

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
--David Niven

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
--Edgar Watson Howe

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
--Samuel Butler

Added on March 9th

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"

Added on March 7th

Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?

No, neither did I.

Added on February 26th

Never thank a woman for having sex with you.

Let her find out on her own that she's made a really bad mistake.