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New Religious Jokes

The most recently added 10 New Religious Jokes. Please rate as many Random Religious Jokes as you feel like.
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Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

A: A Holy roller

 

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Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

A: Virgin mobile

 

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Father O'Malley dies and is waiting in line to be greeted by St. Peter. He's right behind Murphy, the cab driver.

St. Peter says to Murphy, "We have a wonderful mansion for you with gardens and a fountain right here on the main street. Come right in."

Then St. Peter says to Father O'Malley, "Ah Father we have a cozy two room cottage for you, you just have to enter at the side gate."

Father O'Malley is stunned and asks how Murphy can get a mansion and he a mere cottage.

St. Peter says, "Father it's like this, When you preached a sermon, people slept. When Murphy drove his cab, people prayed!"

 

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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

 

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Q: How does Moses make his tea?

A: Hebrews it!

 

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Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or two.

 

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Father O'Reilly is just finishing up a child's baptism when he notices a shady looking man come in and stand fidgeting near the confessional. After a delay, the man enters the confessional.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Its been over twenty years since my last confession," the man admits.

"Father, I'm a thief. I can't help myself! I know its wrong, that's why I haven't been to confession. In fact," he goes on, "the only reason I came in today was to get away from the cops. I couldn't resist stealing this beautiful Stradivarius violin from the concert hall. When the cops started chasing me, I panicked and ran in here and stashed the violin by the baptismal fount."

Father O'Reilly spends a few minutes convincing the man to seek help. The thief agrees to turn over a new leaf and let the priest turn the violin over to the police.

"Oh, thank you Father. Thank you!" sobs the chastened thief.

"Now is there anything else I can do for you?" the priest asks.

The thief hesitates and then with a toothy grin asks "Would you like to buy a baptismal fount?"

 

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A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One tourist turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, "Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?"

"Why do you ask?" the man replied.

The tourist shrugged. "Just idol curiosity, I guess."

 

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Have you heard the story of the pastor who got up one Sunday and made an announcement to his congregation about the building program?

"I have good news and bad news," he said. "The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

 

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A Catholic asked the Rabbi: so does circumcision pay well?

Rabbi: No. But we get to keep the tips.

 

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