New Gross Jokes

Added on July 24th     Submitted by: Dermot

A guy, who had had one or two gets on to a double decker bus and finds himself a seat on the upper deck. The bus conductor comes along to collect his fare when the guy asks him
"Would it be alright if I brought up a crate of beer?"

"No Problem" says the bus conductor as there was plenty of room on the upper deck.

And the guy goes "Blaaghhhhhhh" all over the floor of the bus

Added on July 11th

Q: What do you get when you cross diarrhea with constipation?

A: A pressure washer

Added on December 4th

A scientist calls his assistant in and tells him, "I've created an apple that tastes like pussy! I think I'll market it and call it something like 'Forbidden Fruit brand apples'"

The assistant says, "Great, let me have a bite!" He takes a bite and quickly spit's it back out. "That tastes like shit!"

"Oh." says the scientist, "Turn it over."

Added on October 24th

This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. He was used to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.

He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.

"Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"

"Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!"

Added on September 21st

Q: What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?

A: I'll see you next period.

Added on September 17th     Submitted by: Uncle Bob

Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana.
One day Sara came up missing.

It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."

"What is the bad news", asks Jody?

"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."

"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?

The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again."

Added on September 17th

The local Pastor was visiting the home of Sister Jones to comfort her after the recent loss of her husband. "Come in Pastor." Stated Sister Jones. "Have a seat on the sofa."

Sitting on the sofa, the Pastor eyed a dish of peanuts setting on the coffee table. He took a few of the peanuts and began to eat them. After ten minutes he noticed that he had eaten nearly all the peanuts. "Why Sister Jones," said the Pastor, "It appears that I have eaten almost all your peanuts."

"That's okay Pastor." replied Sister Jones. "Now that I have lost all my teeth I only get to suck the chocolate off!"

Added on July 16th

It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking auto erotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus.

What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.

In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."

Added on May 9th

Alternative ways to say no:

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose until the back of his head caves in.

I'd rather wipe my ass with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch slapped by a fat, mustached Greek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump with the harness tied to my penis with your mother lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather dry hump a polar bear in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my penis in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter - and not a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer and then wear wool socks in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass after he just finished taking a wet, nasty dump.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs with a dull barber's razor and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass with a short stick.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my penis to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass and jog a mile.

I would rather have blow Pee Wee Herman in daylight, after he just whacked off in a movie theater without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick the undigested corn from a crusty elephant's ass.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert with snapping turtles clamped to my salty nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

Added on May 7th     Submitted by: Dermot

A young newly married couple hire out a chalet on a holiday farm with a view to spending their first days together in isolated bliss. They didn't allow for the amorous advances of the over-horny farmer who expecting to see a lot of "live" bonking, drilled himself a neat little hole in the wall with a view to spying on this unsuspecting couple.The farmer was very disappointed to find the young bride alone in her bed at night only to be woken by the return of the new man in her life in the early hours of the morning with a fishing rod over his shoulder and a bag of tackle under his arms.

This happened every night of their honeymoon and fearing the worst he decided to corner the young man on one of his nocturnal fishing expeditions.

Finding him down by the river he approaches him and asks "Excuse me, if it's not a personal question, why aren't you in bonking your wife on your honeymoon?"

"I don't want to", says the seemingly unconcerned fisherman "She's got Gonorrhea"

Recoiling with horror the farmer sympathetically inquires, "What about a blow-job?"

"Similar reason", replies the fisherman "She's got Pyorrhea."

"Argghhhh", screams the farmer in disgust "you poor thing."

"She must be good for a rear end job?" he asks putting his hand around the poor unfortunate newly weds shoulder. "No Can Do, Diarrhea!" he answers.

"What the hell did you marry her for?" asks the bewildered farmer.

"The Maggots" answers the fisherman casting his line back into the river.