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New Dirty Jokes

The most recently added 10 New Dirty Jokes. Please rate as many Random Dirty Jokes as you feel like.
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I got kicked out of my mathematics class one day.

The teacher asked me, "What comes after 69?"

Apparently "mouthwash" was the wrong answer!

 

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Husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't piss me off and make me happy at the same time".

Wife replies, "Your dick is a lot bigger than your brother's".

 

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A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

"Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"

"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"

"Why that there is called the head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

"I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"

 

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I went to a disco last night.

They played The Twist, I did The Twist.

They played Jump, I Jumped.

They played Come On Eileen...

I got kicked out for that one

 

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Did you hear about the skinny guy who went up to Alaska and came back a husky fucker?

 

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Did you know that Lorena Bobbit moved to Russia, and changed her name?

She now goes by the name of Ivana Cutchacokov.

 

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A man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, "What are you?"

He says, "I'm a fireman"

"But you're only wearing a glass jar?", says the woman.

"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can!"

 

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I once went on a vacation with this with absolutely gorgeous and sexy girl. As we flew down to Cancun, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

We wanted to fly United, but the flight attendant wouldn't let us.

 

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Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like?

Maybe they just give you a bra and say, "here, fill this out".

 

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King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and conquest but he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife Mrs. Arthur. He summoned Merlin and explained the problem. Merlin said he had just the thing.

Merlin produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and said to King Arthur that this magic dick would be just the thing. Mrs. Arthur could command it quit simply and it would never fail to satisfy. All she had to do was utter the command "magic penis my cunt" and it would satisfy her every need until she gave the command "magic penis stop."

Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that afternoon and it was fine. Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning secure in the knowledge that his wife would stay faithful. Back at the castle, Mrs. Arthur was feeling a little horny. She decided the magic penis would be just the thing and retired to her chamber for a monster diddle. All went well and orgasm after orgasm passed for what must have been hours. By this time, Mrs. Arthur was just a trifle hungry and fancied quick nibble.

Unfortunately, through all that passion she had forgotten the command to call off the magic penis and try as she might she couldn't get it right. In sheer desperation, she pried it from her, but still it would not stop and tried desperately to reinsert itself. Mrs. Arthur ran down the stairs, through the hall and out of the castle gate pursued by the crazed vibro. As she passed the gate, a guard shouted to her why she was in such a rush.

"I'm being chased by a magic penis" she replied.

"Magic penis my arse..." said the guard, "Uuuuugh!"

 

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