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New Clean Jokes

The most recently added 10 New Clean Jokes. Please rate as many Random Clean Jokes as you feel like.
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What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"

What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"

What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"

 

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Police: Knock Knock

Me: Who is it?

Police: It's the police

Me: What do you want?

Police: We just want to talk

Me: How many of you are there?

Police: Two

Me: Then talk to each other!

 

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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "What's up with the paper towel?"

The pirate replies "Yarg! There be a bounty on me head!"

 

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Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

 

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Top Ten New Names for Obama Care

10. The Unaffordable Care Act

9. The Step on a Crack and Break Your Motherís Back Act

8. The Obama-I-Donít-Care Act

7. The Wanna See Me Pull Healthcare Out of My Hat Act

6. The Liar Liar Pants on Fire, the List of Cancellations is Long as a Telephone Wire Act

5. The Barack Obama ramalamading-dong Act

4. The Obama Flim Flam Act

3. The Jack and Jill fell down the hill and both their heads got smashed, they tried to signup for healthcare, but the website crashed Act

2. The I Canít Believe Itís not Healthcare Act

1. The ďNo No, I really mean it this time, You can keep your doctorĒ Act

 

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The police sent me a picture of me speeding.

So I sent them a picture of a check.

They sent me a picture of handcuffs..

 

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Lawyer Logic

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

 

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During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well", said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub".

"Oh, I see, so a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the tea cup", I replied.

"No", said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

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A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

 

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Father O'Malley dies and is waiting in line to be greeted by St. Peter. He's right behind Murphy, the cab driver.

St. Peter says to Murphy, "We have a wonderful mansion for you with gardens and a fountain right here on the main street. Come right in."

Then St. Peter says to Father O'Malley, "Ah Father we have a cozy two room cottage for you, you just have to enter at the side gate."

Father O'Malley is stunned and asks how Murphy can get a mansion and he a mere cottage.

St. Peter says, "Father it's like this, When you preached a sermon, people slept. When Murphy drove his cab, people prayed!"

 

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