New Anti Chuck Norris Facts

Added on March 12th

The Black Plague was caused by the fleas from Chuck Norris' beard

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As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976 Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game. They were also shut out five times that season.

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Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

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The only number Chuck Norris can divide by is 0, because Chuck Norris is the definition of nothing.

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Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn't know his way around his vagina.

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When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply said "How many sex scenes?"

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Chuck Norris once asked a group of people, "What's white, sticky, and falling from the sky?" Chuck Norris then licked his lips, rubbed his hands, and replied "The cumming of the Lord."

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A 7-year-old blind boy once found Waldo before Chuck Norris.

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When Chuck Norris jumps in a pond, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets terrified.

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Chuck Norris auditioned for the T-800 part in the Terminator, but was refuted when it was discovered that he was part man, part cyborg himself. Capitalizing on the machine he was made out of, Chuck Norris assembled official Chuck Norris dildos with self-described "12 inches of action and excitement!"

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Chuck Norris is the Rump Ranger.

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Although Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur's yellow friend.

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Jesus willfully crucified himself because he had insider information that Chuck Norris was going to be around in the future. Jesus did this not in fear of Chuck Norris himself, but in fear of Chuck Norris' acting.

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Stephen Hawking once beat Chuck Norris in a foot race.

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Chuck Norris started the "Chuck Norris Facts" in hopes of finding a new love. Upon finding out the majority of fans using the facts were guys, Chuck Norris wept with joy.