New Adult Humor

Added on February 2nd     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

An ACORN employee in Philadelphia goes to jail for Voter fraud. They put him in a cell with a three hundred pound guy thick as a tree trunk with a shaved head and prison tattoos. Having heard what happens to new guys in prison and being nervous, he figures he had better introduce himself. He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, "Hi my name is Jack Hawkins."

The big guy extends his hand and says by way of introduction, "Turner Brown." Little Jack Hawkins passes out. The big guy puts him on a bunk and waits for him to come to.

"Why did you pass out?" the huge convict asked.

Hawkins replies, "What did you say your name was?"

"Turner Brown," he replies.

"Oh God," little Jack said. "I thought you said 'TURN AROUND'."

Added on February 2nd     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

The California Highway Patrol Officer pulls over to the shoulder behind the blonde driver in obvious distress. What isn't obvious is why her two blonde passengers are lifting their tops and baring their breasts to passing motorists who respond by slowing down, honking their horns and yelling encouragement out the windows, creating a traffic nightmare on one of Los Angeles's busiest freeways.

"What the hell is going on here?" the officer demands.

"Well, duh, I've got a flat tire," the blonde responds.

Sputtering, the officer gestures at her passengers. "No, no...I mean what are they doing?"

"Well, duh." the blonde driver explains like its the most obvious thing in the world. "They are my emergency flashers."

Added on January 31st     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

After a very long time, Paddy found himself going to confession. Once in the confessional he noticed one wall was a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

As Father O'Reilly came in Paddy said, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but first I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days.

Father O'Reilly replied, "Get out. You're in my seat."

Added on January 31st

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you have succeeded.

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Added on January 31st

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

Added on January 31st

My wife reminded me of an incident that occurred when we were newlyweds living with my parents for a couple of months until we closed on our house.

"Your mom and I were sitting in the family room when your father suddenly walked down the hall naked drying his hair with a towel. I quickly turned away and your mom started screaming at him. He just kept walking saying, 'Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here--besides, it's my damned house.'"

"So you saw everything?" I asked.

"Yeah, it was hard to miss. He walked right by."

"So, um, tell me, whose is bigger?"

Added on January 31st

There was an American basketball player that had a tournament in Belfast. After one of his games he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air when he felt a gun in his back. "What's your religion?" he heard the man growl.

Bobby (the player) had no real religion but he knew if he said he was Catholic and this guy was a Protestant he would kill him and if he said he was Protestant and the guy was Catholic he would kill him.

Thinking quickly he said, "I'm Jewish." and the man replied, "Oh Allah, I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland."

Added on January 30th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

Mary went into her neighborhood pharmacy, walked up to Frank the pharmacist and calmly announced: "I would like to buy some cyanide."

Frank raised an eyebrow. Mary and her husband John had been good neighbors to him and his wife Sheila for many years and this was totally out of character. "Whatever would you want cyanide for, Mary?"

"I need it to poison John."

Frank sputtered. "Poison John? Mary, are you crazy? I can't give you cyanide. That would make me an accessory to murder. Why in the world would you want to poison John?"

Mary calmly removed a photo from her purse and gave it to the pharmacist. The man grew deadly quiet as he realized the photo was of his wife Sheila and John in a passionate embrace, a picture shot obviously through the window of the master bedroom of his own home.

Frank looked up at Mary. "Well, that's different," he finally said. "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Added on January 30th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

Little Johnny and his father were walking along a river and they stopped to skip stones.

Little Johnny said "Daddy?"

"What is it son?" the father asked.
"Why is widdle Jackie so mean?"

The father thought for a moment. "Well Little Johnny," he replied gently, "poor Jackie hasn't had an easy life. Unlike you, he hasn't had a stable home life. Constantly having to change his name after being rejected by his foster parents and not having the circle of friends you have has made him bitter and he's lost his head."

The son thought for a moment. "But he's always tattling to teacher and blaming me and my friends for things he's done!"

The father sighed. "Well son, that's because he's so envious of you and your friends he blames you for his lack of success and not being happy. It's pathological and he's lost his heart."

Still not happy, the boy goes on. "Will he ever change?"

"Not likely, son. His bitterness and envy have eaten away at him for so long he's lost heart, mind and soul." the father replied sadly.

"So there's nothing left?" asked a tearful Johnny. His father gave him a warm hug and ruffled his hair. "Of course not, son."

"There's still the asshole."

Added on January 30th

Making Love to a Woman

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.