New Adult Humor

Added on January 28th

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred..'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Added on November 20th

This guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date.

He just won't take no for an answer.

The lesbian smirks and says.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

Added on July 1st

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOK STORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

21. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

22. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

23. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD LISP TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

26. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED HAEMORRHOIDS INSTEAD OF ASSTEROIDS?

27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

Added on June 23rd

Top Ten Things Heterosexuals Need to Know About Gay People

10. We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us.

9. We're not sure about Ricky Martin either.

8. We also didn't invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it.

7. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us.

6. Our so-called "gaydar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception.

5. We think your mini-vans are sooo cute!

4. David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice.

3. If he's using two or more hair products at any one time -- yes, he is.

2. If she's won Wimbledon sixteen times, she is too.

And, the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...

1. Relax, we don't want you!

Added on June 22nd

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

Added on June 22nd

A guy sees a beautiful, young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"

"Well," she says looking him up and down, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."

Added on June 15th

A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him. "What's the matter, little boy?" he asked. "Why are you crying?"

The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do."

The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

Added on May 19th

Four women were chatting in the locker room of their health club, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

Added on April 30th

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.....'

Added on April 2nd

One day, in Norsegard (the Norwegian heaven), Thor, the god of thunder, being bored with heavenly existence decided that a quick trip to Earth would help alleviate some of this boredom. Traveling incognito, except for his trusty hammer, Thor came across a buxom blond and suggested that some mutual cohabitation of a degenerate degree would be helpful to both parties concerned.

The blond, not saying anything, and impressed with the size of Thor's hammer, nodded her agreement. They cohabitated for three days and Thor returned home. Upon his arrival, Odin grabbed Thor and reprimanded him, "No problem sleeping with mortals, but you should go back and tell her your name."

Thor returned to earth, went up to the girl's house, knocked, and, when she answered, said, "I'm Thor."

To which the girl lisped in reply, "You're thore, I'm tho thore I can hardwy pee!"